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Post by Jeremy Saucer on Feb 17, 2009 22:28:34 GMT -7
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Post by Headmistress Rollins on Feb 18, 2009 11:03:25 GMT -7
Original Jeremy was wandering the nearly empty halls of Providence Academy. It was his first day there and he hadn’t met anyone yet. So he decided that he would get his thoughts collected with a brief wandering of the school grounds. As he was walking and thinking he stumbled onto what seemed to be a corridor of class rooms. Jeremy looked around to make sure nobody was watching before he decided to try the door to the first room. Locked. He tried the next two doors which were also locked. The fourth door, however, was left slightly ajar and he slipped in without making a sound. Jeremy quickly scanned the room. He saw cauldrons and locked cabinets and assumed that it was the potions class room, though he could hardly be sure. He walked to the back of the class room where there was one lone book sitting on the counter. He looked at the front of it. It read ‘A Beginners Guide to Potion Making’. He opened it and flipped through quickly glancing at the side notes some students had written. He opened to a page on love potions, his favorites, and started to read it. He was reading it so intently that his attention got rapt in it.
Jeremy was wandering the nearly empty halls of Providence Academy. It was his first day there and he hadn’t met anyone yet, (1)so he decided that he would get his thoughts collected with a brief wandering of the school grounds. As he was walking and thinking he stumbled onto what seemed to be a corridor of class rooms. Jeremy looked around and smirked with mischief and made sure nobody was watching before he decided to try the door to the first room. Locked. He tried the next two doors which were also locked. The fourth door, however, was left slightly ajar and he slipped in without making a sound, the heavy door opening without much resistance. Jeremy quickly scanned the room. He saw old black heavy cauldrons and locked cabinets with silhouettes of bottles behind smoky glass doors and assumed that it was the potions class room, though he could hardly be sure. He walked to the back of the class room where there was one lone book sitting on the counter. He looked at the faded and worn brown leather cover which read ‘A Beginners Guide to Potion Making’. He opened it and flipped through the old yellowing pages glancing at the side notes some students had written. He opened to a page on love potions, his favorites, and started to read it. He was reading it so intently that his attention got rapt in it as he thought about making a love potion for himself to see how it would work.
Jeremy, I think in general the writing is good, but my suggestion would be to add more descriptive words and phrases. I have added some as suggestions above so you can see what I mean and put them in red. It not only raises you word count, but it makes it a story by putting the reader in the same mind set as you. It helps them along so that they can see what you see in your mind. You already have the important foundation about making sure to spell check your work and from what I see so far you are grammatically correct as well, so that is an important part that has already been established. I look forward to seeing you flourish! Mama C (1) This was a fragment, but by putting a comma between the two sentences it fixed that. |
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